I feel like giving up today

I’m writing this coming off what I’m beginning to think has been the toughest 4 weeks of my life to date, more so the last 48 hours of suffering extreme photophobia (thanks to my friend retinal dystrophy) – yeah so not exactly from a happy place.

I feel like giving up.

Giving up on trying to help my youngest who has quite severe ADHD. The more I help and give and accommodate, the more he doesn’t realise what I’m trying to help him achieve and the more he simply continues with things the way he is used to which in turn leaves me feeling utterly frustrated, hopeless and unsupported because I feel like I’m the only one fighting the good fight.
Giving up on my job, which despite me actually enjoying, the people I work with really are making my time there unbearable. I have two children (and a husband) at home who all require constant supervision and refereeing, I stupidly thought being in a professional environment with a bunch of adults would typically result in a mature, civilised working environment – boy was I wrong. The bickering here is worse than my two kids at home and the amount of stress this is resulting in is far more than I’m realistically willing to put up with. The only reason I stick around is well because we need the money and also because work is only 15 minutes from home, which is convenient.


Giving up on my marriage – despite being absolutely and completely in adoration and hopeless love with this man who is my soul mate, being married is just so damn hard – it’s not him per se that I feel like giving up on, it’s the concept of marriage really that has me exhausted – it’s just so damn one sided and I’m exhausted from the effort.  Men are easy to figure out – you know what they like and what buttons to push and they work. Women – not so much. What is annoying me however is that men seem less interested in finding out what works for women, what buttons need to be pushed to make us just go – OR, perhaps I am just married to a ‘lazy marriage man’ which then means I am thinking of giving up on ‘him’ and this leaves me feeling utterly devastated and heartsore which brings this full cycle to my love for this man far outweighing the effort of trying to get over him which means I’ll probably spend the next 50 years of my life just living with and accepting the mediocrity of our marriage and life knowing that it could be better but I’ve chosen to settle for it as  is.

And finally, giving up on myself.
I’m tired – all the time. Not just physically, but mostly emotionally and mentally and having this long list of letter combinations that I’m not even sure what to do about, following my every thought and action around – well that’s just OTT on the overload of OCD in my life.
My brain – despite numerous attempts to advise it otherwise, seems to think it needs to solve ALL of the world’s problems, yesterday! When ordered thought becomes so chaotic the lines begin to blur, common sense would normally kick in and tell one to STOP – not my brain.
No, my brain seems to ‘think’ it excels the more it takes on, so I would just like to send out a memo, a reminder, a notification to my brain…. “You are NOT superhuman, you can burnout and break and without you I fear I may be reduced to a crumpled mess of me, which quite frankly, wouldn’t be pretty, nor would it be fair on the people in my life.

Problem is, you and I both know my brain has ignored this plea and will continue to wake me at stupid hour to discuss concepts of work-life balance, home schooling, ADHD, challenging work relationships, the gigantic matter of my stress highlights needing to be seen to, why are the cats running around the house at stupid hour, was that a car door I just heard close, why is my husband snoring and more importantly, why is he insisting on sleeping on top of me like a human heater, not to mention thoughts about money, grocery shopping lists, making appointments for my kids for the dentist, making sure I pick up the boys’ meds – I have a list as long as my 164cm frame of things my brain feels it needs to think about and solve at stupid hour.

So when you ask how I’m feeling and I reply with “tired” please just nod in understanding that you are aware that “tired” means so much more than only having 4 hours of sleep at night. Better yet, stop asking me how I am if you’re not REALLY interested in hearing my whole story because I do need someone to talk to but I can’t bring myself to do so because I know that despite saying you’re not, I’m being judged and as much as I value your friendship, I don’t value your condescending ‘suggestions’ on how I could improve my life if I just did things the way YOU think it should be done because this is simply 10 minutes of my life writing down some very simple thoughts which let’s face it, was exhausting just reading.

I’m not saying my life is harder than yours, I’m just saying I have different struggles to you and even though some of our struggles may ‘seem’ the same, my puzzle pieces will never fit together the same way yours do.

So let me just ‘be’.

Let me wade through this emotionally drained existence I’m dealing with – I think I’m entitled to that after all.

I will be fine. I am a fighter and I am strong – at this very moment though, I ‘want’ to not be.

 

 

Husband behaviour annoyance

Let me preface this by saying that my husband is a wonderful man and an excellent father.  He is kind and patient and spends every moment he can with us as a family.
But my husband is only human.  He is allowed to get frustrated – as I do.  And there are many moments that managing our sons' behaviour can be difficult. 

My husband works all day and comes usually just in time to see the boys off to bed which means he sees them very little during the week.   Occasionally in that time my husband will lose his temper.  Usually our youngest son (who by that time is no longer medicated) is having a difficult time calming down for the night, or gets distracted 400 times on his way to bed, and my husband – who has also had a long day and is tired and hungry – gets frustrated.  I do it more than I care to admit too. 

But I’m the one who is with them all the time.  I’m the one who gets them off to school in the morning, get them to their various therapy appointments, who feeds them dinner, helps them with homework (which is no small accomplishment) and gets them ready for bed- all while also working a full time job and making sure our household still runs smoothly and functions as required (mount-washmore remains a constant)

I do so much reading about ADHD and try to educate myself so that I know what to expect from our boys and what I can do to assist our boys with normal everyday functions they struggle with. My husband doesn't read, nor is he interested in finding out more about ADHD.  His expectations of our children remains that of a neurotypical brain and this is really starting to frustrate me. 

We're supposed to be in this together. He is supposed to support each and every one of us as we support him - we are a family unit which he is a part of. When it comes to anything to do with dealing with ADHD he segregates himself. When we go into the paediatrician's office however - different story - suddenly he is an expect on the topic and feels that his personal (unfounded / uneducated) views on certain things are gospel that should be adhered to. I sometimes want to yell at him "what I'm telling you is based on qualified research, not someone's opinion".

I wish he would, even if he isn't interested in reading for himself, just listen to what I am reading and take it on board to process.  I wish that he would realise that a lot of what he says and does towards the boys contradicts what is recommended for ADHD kids. I wish he would realise just how much I do actually do and perhaps want to get more involved.

I wish he would get out of bed and help me with the morning routine instead of lying in bed playing games on his ipad and barking at the kids down the passage to get finished. I wish he would want to get more involved with the boys doing activities outside of technology.  He is happy for them to spend the entire day on the PC playing games. I wish he would realise how much our children love spending time doing 'stuff' with him. In their eyes he is the 'fun' parent - the parent who doesn't remind them 10 times a day to brush their teeth and make their beds and pack their school bags and do homework etc.

And so sometimes I feel that I have to be the mommy to 3 boys: my 2 wonderful ADHD boys and my husband.  It can make me feel very alone.

Dear Teachers, From Chicken Little's Mom

Dear Teachers,

I wish you knew that my son doesn’t want to misbehave. What seems like misbehavior could be because he is overwhelmed, frustrated or embarrassed. If he is feeling any of these emotions, his brain responds by fighting, fleeing or freezing. It’s a natural stress response. I wish you knew how stressful school is for my child.

I wish you knew that my son doesn’t mean to blurt out. The frontal lobe of his brain, which controls impulsive behaviour, is under developed compared to his peers.

I wish you knew that he can’t transition from joking around to getting down to business like you or his classmates can. Transitions are very difficult for him.

I wish you knew that his joke making and comments in class to gain attention are his way of trying desperately to fit in with his peers. He doesn’t get invited to friends’ homes, he doesn’t play on sports teams with his classmates, and he doesn’t receive texts from close buddies.

He is probably seen as immature and annoying by many of his peers. No matter how confident he may appear, don’t be fooled. That is his natural defense mechanism kicking in to convince himself that he is cool.

I wish you knew that my son needs encouragement more than other students. He is so used to hearing, “James, be quiet,” “James, you’re not trying hard enough,” that the majority of the time he feels like a failure.

I wish you knew that when you acknowledge him doing something right, whether he shows it or not, it makes his day.

I wish you knew when he says, “I forgot,” nine times out of 10 he really did forget. It isn’t an excuse. His brain doesn’t hold on to things the way your other students’ brains do.

I wish you knew how difficult it is for him to walk into the classroom and get right to work. He has just come from chatting in the hallways with his friends, after sitting still and trying to be quiet for 50 minutes in another class. His brain is like, “No! Not again! I’ve gotta do something fun!”

I wish you knew how long it takes my son to complete homework. What might take a neurotypical student 15 minutes to complete takes my son an hour. When the parents of an ADHDer ask for a reduced homework load for their child, we aren’t trying to get him out of work. We want him to know the material, but we want our child to feel confident about his ability to complete the work instead of feeling like there is no way he will ever get it finished.

I wish you knew that large tasks or projects overwhelm him. The more you can break down projects into small tasks with due dates, the more successful he will be.

I wish you knew that my son is a poor self-observer. Many times he has no idea that he is coming across as disrespectful, or that he is acting or saying something inappropriate. Ask him questions that help him learn to self observe, but please do it in private.

I wish you knew that he doesn’t read social cues well and therefore comes across as selfish or indifferent. The more people I have serving as his “social coach” in a loving and respectful manner, the more likely he is to develop these skills.

I wish you knew that my son doesn’t do well with unstructured class time the way other students do. If there will be unstructured time in your class, talk privately with him before class starts and let him know he will have “quiet study time,” for example, toward the end of class.

I wish you knew that his having ADHD doesn’t embarrass him. He knows it is part of what makes him who he is and his parents choose to highlight the strengths that come with this diagnosis. He also knows that ADHD is not an excuse, it is an explanation.

I wish you knew that getting his full attention, even by saying his name, before you start giving instructions makes the difference between him hearing all or part of what you say.

I wish you knew that, as a parent of an ADHDer, frequent communication is important. I know that you are going the extra mile for my child when you do this. If he has a problem in class that day, let me know. If you’ve assigned a project, let me know. Any and all communication is appreciated. I really do want to partner with you for my child’s success.

I wish you knew that he will go through cycles of doing well and then cycles of not doing well. He may turn in his homework for two weeks in a row, and then have a week where he struggles. Motivation waxes and wanes for ADHDers.

I wish you knew how difficult it is for his brain to focus, especially if he finds the subject boring. The ADHD brain is actually under stimulated, meaning it requires more stimulation than the brains of neurotypical students.

I wish you knew that when he draws in class, it doesn’t mean that he isn’t listening. Moving helps his brain stay focused.

I wish you would be more open to offering him different ways to show you that he knows the material. He often has a hard time putting his knowledge into words, but he can express it well in a drawing.

I wish you knew how sensitive my son is. I know that one day he can be a delight to have in class and, the next day, he can be a disruption. The more even keeled you can be with him, the better. When you are frustrated and disappointed with him, he will sense it strongly. He doesn’t want to disappoint you and, when he does, he takes it hard. His inner voice tells him that he is a failure and not good enough.

I wish you knew that his brain cannot filter out everything he sees and hears. He can’t determine what is important and what is not important right away. Everything he sees and hears is of equal importance to his brain. I encourage you to visit understoond.org and watch a video called “Through Your Child’s Eyes.” You will be blown away by what ADHD students live with everyday.

Finally, I wish you knew how grateful I am that you teach my son. Your job is not an easy one, nor is it for the weak of heart. If anyone understands how hard it is, I do. Your compassion and understanding toward my child will be something I will never forget. Neither will my son.

Thank you
Chicken Little's Mom

ADHD Criteria - James Keevy

Inattention

·       Fails to pay close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork or other activities. Also does not appear to care when mistakes or poor workmanship is pointed out.

·       Has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities, unless its something he wants to do, then he suffers from hyerfocus.

·       Does not seem to listen when spoken to directly – eye contact needs to be made when communicating to ensure he is paying attention – having him repeat conversation ensures he has heard and retained the information shared.

·       Does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties (not due to oppositional behaviour or failure to understand instructions). More often than not, uses the excuse “I forgot” despite running through instructions several times and having him repeat them to ensure retention.

·       Has difficulty organising tasks and activities. Goes into ‘shut down’ mode when he cannot organise his thoughts

·       Avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework).

·       Loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g., toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools). I don’t think this is done on purpose as he shows genuine remorse when confronted about the loss or having forgotten something behind.

·       Easily distracted by extraneous stimuli.

·       Forgetful in daily activities.

 

Hyperactivity

·       Sometimes fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat, mostly when bored.

·       Leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected, when feeling uninterested by what is happening around him or irritated because he is struggling with something.

·       Runs about or climbs excessively in situations in which it is inappropriate. Totally does not get social correctness in situations.

·       Sometimes appears “on the go” or acts as if “driven by a motor.” Especially when coming off medication (late afternoon / evening which then proves extremely problematic for bed time.

·       Talks excessively, mostly difficult to understand because he mumbles a lot – doesn’t open his mouth to pronounce words correctly.

 

Impulsivity

·       Blurts out the answers before the questions have been completed. Impatient.

·       Has difficulty waiting for his turn.

·       Interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games).

·       Quick to blame others when things don’t go the way he would like them to or feels wrong-done-by.

·       Struggles to understand that other’s responses are not personal attacks on him – always plays the victim. Can always, in his own mind, justify his actions / reactions.