Didn't I just ask that?

I am standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, yelling out to the people in my life. Yet as my words would echo around the vastness of the caverns below, so are my words bouncing around my house and the inside of their heads.  I feel like I’m constantly yelling.  I feel like my words are important but they are being lost to the vastness.  My endless requests and words of guidance are vanishing into thin air as if they never existed in the first place.

One would think I was merely talking about my kids, but alas, the ‘other child’ aka my husband the other parent, is also falling prey to this selective deafness that has our family in its grips of madness.

I am going mad, I am losing my mind and the control I so desperately need. Being OCD and nobody gives a crap is no fun. Needing to have things done a certain way to still my brain – no fun at all. They don’t realise that the urgency I feel inside my head and my heart and my being at having words that my brain seems to think NEED to be said – that urgency – ita takes my breath away and sends me into such a flat spinout that every part of my brain shuts down – I start feeling like a mute inside my own head because all brain function and process are on pause until I get the words out my mouth.

“Please put your packed school bag by the front door” may seem like such a simple and in their own view a silly request that they may feel doesn’t warrant any thought or action, but to me, it means that not only will they be completely ready to go to school by the time I leave (an hour before them) but they will have all the books and sports uniforms and permission notes, their lunch bag and house key – all of this means less stressing about potential phone calls that may occur during my own work day where I will then begin worrying about my child not having any food to eat or the fact that they have missed out on gymnastics that I’ve paid for or the fact that they will be sitting outside our house for 2 hours in the freezing cold until I get home. 

Oh the number of intertwined, attached and relative thoughts processes are mind boggling and endless. They do not understand that in my brain if I do not do the usually walk around the house in the morning packing away things that have been left lying about, shoes, cups etc that my brain will spend the rest of the day factoring in this time needed to complete these tasks into my evening routine (which is already precisely set out in my mind) which not only interferes with my usual day-tp-day tasks but the amount of anxiety behind knowing I’m coming home to that mess – they will never understand.

Anxiety – oh how I wish I didn’t suffer this.  It is mentally and physically crippling and people who don’t suffer it, don’t understand how “just get over it” or “just accept it” highlights more the fact that they don’t care enough to bother understanding my point of view than it does the fact that I suffer it.

Anger – So the constant repetitiveness coupled with the selective deafness shrouded in anxiety leads to anger – pure, undiluted, red-hot anger (and of course his ugly cousin resentment) which lets face it, isn’t pretty I am angry that I don’t mean enough to you or that you don’t value me, my input or my contributions at home enough to give me the time-of-day. Believe me, I’ve tried a million coping strategies not to get to this point, but if I have, you’ve once again displayed carelessness and lack of support for my drive in ensuring our family unit is a well-functioning, supportive network where we all feel comfortable an safe. Yes, you contribute to this too – in your own way, and in ways that you may not even realise, but please understand that this is not only my job.  In order for our family unit to function successfully, we all have to contribute – simple.

So listen up male components that live under the same roof as me – just do what I ask, the first time I ask and monster-mommy won’t come to visit anymore.

Get it?
Got it?
Good :)