Did you really just say that?!

Since 2008 when my youngest turned 3, I’ve heard some gold nuggets of advice aimed at my now diagnosed ADHD son. Its interesting how every single parent seems to think they are an authority on how my child should be raised and more importantly, disciplined.

Half way through 2012 after enduring 2 dreadful years of pre-school followed by 18 months of hell in primary school, we received his diagnosis and suddenly I had an ‘official’ response to all those know-it-all’s – your opinion may seem valid to you, but to me, the mother of a child with ADHD, your opinion is uneducated and unwanted.

You see, I’d heard it all, from: “that is just a temper tantrum, don’t entertain that, smack him” to “you should get him more active and tire him out.” Well no, he isn’t throwing a tantrum or smacking other kids because he is naughty, he just doesn’t know how to communicate the words from thought to speech and this child has never been a good sleeper and dealing with an exhausted over-tired child is much worse than one who is happily awake.

When he started kindergarten, the comments continued: “he is just a naughty troublemaker,” “I would never let my child do that” to “don’t worry he will outgrow it.” Well, for starters, he is simply trying to get attention because he cannot communicate like any other child in the class, I have a different view to parenting my ADHD child to how you would parent your non-ADHD child and I would never dream of criticising your parenting, why do you criticise mine? And for the record, I’m an adult with ADHD, he is born of my genes, so chances are, he won’t outgrow this.

The school even went so far as to suggest I attend several parenting classes. Every couple of weeks a crumpled note would surface out of his school bag advertising a “Triple P” course or a “parenting ‘spirited kids” course – none of which seemed relevant to me.

I’m not sure if his diagnosis made things better so much as suddenly everyone seems to have an excuse or explanation for his behaviour and instead of getting the help he needed, he was pushed to the back of the class and ignored – they knew there was ‘something wrong’ and this seems to provide a good enough excuse for anything. It didn’t however stop the phone calls and meetings I was required to endure where my parenting skills and how I was managing his behaviour were constantly questioned and scrutinised.

Then we got to 2013 – year 2 – and we hit the lottery – THE most amazing teacher ever to walk this earth fell into our laps. This woman was softly spoken and caring and my youngest son blossomed – under the guidance of a positive, happy person who focused on achievement rather than negatives completely changed my son’s life. Suddenly he was excited about school and accepted praise and rewards for his achievements. In 2014 we hit the lottery for the 2^nd year in a row when this amazing teacher purposefully changed to teach year 3 so that she could have my son in her class again. I’m not religious in any way, shape or form, but this lady was heaven sent.

Unfortunately our streak of luck ended when he entered year 4 – a rookie teacher who had only been teaching for about 2 years, no children of her own and absolutely no experience with ADHD whatsoever. A gen-y with absolutely no patience whatsoever. Within 1 month, everything my son had achieved in the 2 years preceding, was destroyed. He became introverted and lost all self-esteem. Our first major incident occurred when my son’s involuntary movement annoyed her enough to scream her head off at him in class then make him sit on the floor by the door like a dog. I lost the plot and suddenly the Department of Education decided it was time to get involved when I threatened to expose the so-called support my son was supposed to be receiving at a top Sydney primary school known for it’s education achievements and self-promotion of helping ALL children, no matter what.

For a while it got better but then nearing the end of the year, this same teacher pushed my son just a little too far and suddenly we found ourselves talking him down the balcony of a second story school building.

NONE of this was done by a naughty, attention seeking, undisciplined, too much technology watching, lazy and unmotivated and stupid little boy. In fact, he is quite intelligent but lacks the ability and focus to work as required, he struggles to communicate and technology has its place in our home, but it is well controlled and limited. People are quite to forget this is a CHILD you are referring to in this negative manner. So before you judge my son and my parenting, perhaps stop and consider that there is so much more going on that you are not aware of.

That naughty little sh*t you sneered at yesterday, is my beautiful boy who is so loveable and in touch with his emotions but can only accept physical love and affection when HE needs it due to his sensory processing disorder. He can’t go to sleep at night until he has sat on my lap like a koala and run through his little night time routine of eskimo kisses, angel kisses and attempts to rub his freckles off his cheeks onto mine.

That undisciplined, stupid child you made fun of with other parents at afternoon pick up is my highly intelligent son whose IQ is way above kids his age. He has the ability to hyper focus on things he finds interesting and can speak your ear off about stuff you would only read in an encyclopedia.

The loud, seemingly bossy child on the playground is my son who doesn’t understand social queues and etiquette. All he wants is to be chosen, to be included with everyone else. He is trying to be heard in the only way that he knows how. Rest assured, we are working on this and the fact that he is even on the playground playing with other kids shows how far he has come from shutting himself up in a quiet corner reading a book during play time.

Please stop dismissing ADHD as an excuse. It is a real, proven to exist condition but it does not define people. ADHD people are quite responsible and can function just like everyone else. ADHD is not a product of poor parenting or a broken home. I’m probably as versed on the subject of ADHD as many paediatricians and psychologists, in fact, as an adult with ADHD I hold a degree and several diplomas – we are capable of learning. My husband is very supportive and is actively involved in how ADHD is managed in our home.

How many of these comments have you said about some random child that you do not know? I feel sorry for you if you continue to do so after reading this – it must be a very sad existence spending your one chance on this planet judging others instead of finding ways to accept all.

Really ... ?

I have juat realised what has been bugging me that i would be wide awake at 5am on a Sunday.

All of you know that I have always been extremely transparent about my life, my anxiety and OCD as well as my kids ADHD journeys. I do this because I want people to know the real me and love me for who I really am. I also hope that in the process I can also shed a little light and education on things that aren't often spoken of.

Problem is, human nature incorrectly interprets my transparency as my seeking approval for my choices and decisions or an opportunity for judgement of those choices and decisions. I share all of this because I don't want my children growing up believing that their ADHD and subsequently their ADHD medication, is a dirty little secret that must never be spoken about or that having anxiety or OCD is something to be ashamed of. My children must learn to thrive and conquer that which slows them down and learn to function despite those obstacles.

As my friends I would naturally expect you all to have thoughts and suggestions about the situation from your 'outside' perspective, which you are absolutely entitled to. I know everything you say to me comes from a place of love. Please just understand that you don't have ALL the puzzle pieces so while you may think you are right, chances are there are many more factors which make what you're saying less relevant. I've NEVER denied any of you your opinion and always listened to what you've had to say. The hard to swallow part for me is when opinions and suggestions become judgements.

i am trying my best to get through all of this with very little support and resources while still trying to maintain work and everything else. I know what James needs and I am trying to get this for him, its just taking me a little longer while dealing with a tonne of personal issues myself with my own dr. Rest assured James is safe and as his mom I would rather die than let harm come to him.

We sometimes think we are helping by offering opinions and thoughts and suggestions when in fact someone like me in the situation I'm in right now it just feels like I'm being buried alive under it all. Please know that i love you and value you more than you all know. Its just that i need support rather than your ... you should's.

Bottom line really ... i feel like I am at my capacity 100% of the time and I'm exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically from trying to keep my head above water. Please think twice about the words you are about to speak, not only to me but to everyone in your life. Make sure they are building block words rather than wrecking balls.

Imagine ...

Imagine if your child told you he wanted to kill himself.
Imagine that your child is only 11 and suffers from ADHD, SPD and anxiety.
Now imagine dealing with this on top of everyday stresses like work, running a household, personal health issues including going blind rapidly AND trying to maintain friendships.

So please understand that I have A LOT going on in my world right now and that I'm not purposely ignoring you nor do I think my battles are bigger than yours.

I don't want nor need to be shut out, ignored or harrassed with phonealls of how you can help me when we both know you are simply fishing for fodder for gossip. Please just understand that you are not on my immediate priority list and at this point in time I have myself and my family to focus on.

I does not mean that i don't care, I just can't RIGHT NOW.

I've had a particularly tough day today and have had to come home to deal with suicide thoughts with said child.

I ask that before you pick up the phone or send a text that you try, just try, to empathise with what we are dealing with and accept that i really don't feel like sharing more than this with anyone. Its too much for ume to bear and our friendships are already feeling strain, the friendships can't handle this pressure, trust me. I've seen a few come and go.

I broke today

I broke today.

I can tell you the exact moment it happened.

As I stood there and felt my chest toghten and my brain burn I suddenly had this moment where I swear I literally felt my soul rip in half.

Isn't it interesting how us humans can take on stress and more stress and even more stress and just keep going. All it takes is just one simple word or sentence or action and our capacity is, in that solitary instant, too much, and we break.

Now I just feel numb ... and dumb.
I know I am stronger than all this nonsense, well actually no that's not right... I know I SHOULD be stronger than all this nonsense, but somehow today I must have forgotten about the should's.

Today I just felt.
Today I felt the weight of everything I've been carrying with me for such a long time and it felt too heavy.
Today I felt just how long I've carrying this load and it felt too long.
Today i realised how long I've been fooling myself into thinking I had all the support I needed, but today i realised just how alone I've been all along.

Instead of focusing on one foot in front of the other and one step forward at a time, I stopped and looked up from all that has been consuming me and realised how lost I am.

It was at this precise moment that aim was taken at my exposed self and that is qhen I broke.

Right now I don't want to think about putting me back together because I don't know how a whole me is supposed to look. Right now I just want to gather myself and hide away from everything and everyone.

I am broken.
I am alone.
I am hurting.
I am in pain.
But worst of all, I feel invisible.

Who knew such a little person could talk so much!

When my son is uncomfortable or intimidated, he doesn’t breathe a word. When he feels good, he launches into an unceasing monologue that I find both aggravating and promising.

As the chatter drones on and on, I scrunch up my eyes and rub my temples in an attempt to quieten my brain. I don’t know why I do it, it doesn’t help.

“Ok, you need to keep quiet now” I say to James – instantly regretting my words.

Unfortunately this isn’t the first time I’ve said these words, and if I’m honest, I know it won’t be the last.

“Sorry” he says, his eyes looking down at the ground

“It’s Ok” I sigh and give him a hug and turn back to making dinner. I find the correct knife I should have been slicing tomatoes with instead of the bread knife, I put more water into the pot that has almost boiled dry and I respond to a text that came through about 15 minutes ago.

As soon as my eyes catch his line of sight, he is back at it again, rambling off at such a speed, it’s almost incoherent babbling I’m listening to once again.

Another huge sigh escapes my body before I can stop it. I know he sees it because he winces ever so slightly. But the pull to talk, talk, talk is too strong. He keeps going, despite all indications he should stop.

Luke walks in and asks me a question about a permission note. I nod at James so he knows I’m still ‘listening’. Meanwhile Luke gets more restless waiting for his turn to talk, he starts tapping his foot and huffing and glaring at James and I find that I can’t take another second of this incessant chatter.

“Ok, this is a good time for you to take a break” I say gently using a technique I’m trying to teach him.  Pause, take a deep breath and see if anyone else wants to contribute to the conversation.

“Sorry” he says again.

Oh, how I hurt for him. I don’t want him to feel he needs to apologize for talking. But I also can’t let him monopolise our lives with his prattle.

He gets so caught up in his talking, I sometimes think he wouldn’t even notice if the house was burning down. I’ve had to yank him back from the path of an oncoming car, and he only paused his story long enough to give me an annoyed look for grabbing him too hard, never noticing the car and the doom he narrowly avoided.

But when he is chatting, it means he is happy. It means he is feeling really, really good about himself

And, unfortunately, it’s the time I stifle him. As much as I love his happiness, I’m exhausted at having a radio announcer by my side at all times.

So at night, after everyone is in bed, I steal away to the quiet of my bathroom. I shut the door. I breathe. Then I walk down the hall, open my son’s door, and lie down next to him in bed.

He lights up like a Christmas tree, and begins talking as if I had been there the whole time. He interrupts me when I dare to ask questions or share stories. He even interrupts herself – did you know that was possible?

Ultimately, I have to give him a time limit.

“5 more minutes” I say.

He uses up all 300 seconds of the time, wraps his arms around me as time is up, and lets me squeeze in an “I love you” before he’s telling me yet another “quick” story.

I stand and begin to leave as he is finishing his story, his last word of happy chatter being released into the air just before the light goes out.

As I walk down the hall, I hear him talking – out loud to himself, of course – and I smile.

I honestly can’t determine if my time with him was worth it. I know I didn’t get much out of it. But when I go to check on him later, he is smiling in his sleep – every night.

"Mom, I Made a New Friend!"

"Mom, I Made a New Friend!" - THE #1 sentence any parent of an ADHD’er would love to hear.

The anxiety I feel over my child sitting alone at recess and having to resort to reading books in a quiet corner during lunch because he has no friends – indescribable and heartbreaking.

We’ve discussed about what makes a good friend, and which behaviors are, and are not, appropriate. He and I have had several conversations about ‘how’ to approach other kids who he’d potentially like to form a friendship with. I’ve encouraged him to make eye contact, not interrupt, to think before he speaks and to listen more than he speaks.

Because many ADHD kids lag behind their peers in social skills, they tend to be more immature than those without ADHD. The problem here is that despite immaturity, he is super intelligent and wants to discuss concepts and topics far beyond his years – the younger kids just don’t ‘get’ him.

His class teacher and I have discussed pairing him up with others in the class to complete tasks and projects but it all comes down to the same bottom line…

He doesn’t quite fit in anywhere.

The thing with children is that they generally have no buffer for comments that point such things out “James is weird” ; “James can’t focus and his fidgeting is annoying me” and “I don’t like James”

I could bang on about how our school’s motto is respect, responsibility and resilience – and while I go out of my way to instill these values (along with many, many more) within my own children, it seems many parents these days, don’t bother teach their children the fundamental basics of acceptance.

The bottom line is that children are children and they learn from the adults around them (as well as from other children). We as adults have the responsibility to teach our children to respect each other no matter our differences, to be responsible for our words and actions and understand that while we have the right to say what we want, we have the responsibility to accept the consequences and understand that consequences sometimes hurt other people – and that is our burden to carry.

So, the next time that your child mentions that James was reading by himself at recess or lunch time again or that he wasn’t picked for a team during sports and had to be the ‘assistant referee’ to his class teacher or that he had to walk up the front of the line with the teacher because nobody wanted to pair up with him for the walk back to school from the sports field, perhaps you can talk to your child about being a good friend.

Encourage them to talk to my son or offer to pair with him during a class project because your child will soon find out that he is highly intelligent and loves marine life, dinosaurs and science.  That he could talk the ear off an elephant if given a chance. Your child might realise that he is a fierce friend who is loyal to a fault and super protective over the people he cares about and that he has the softest heart and cries when you accidently squish a bug.

My child wishes it were easy for him to make friends but he has no confidence and no self-esteem and does not believe that he deserves for someone to give him the time of day. He is only 10 and has had a tough start. As a parent of a non-ADHD child (or any other autism spectrum disorder) wouldn’t you want other parents to encourage their children to give your child the chance to make friends?

I feel like giving up today

I’m writing this coming off what I’m beginning to think has been the toughest 4 weeks of my life to date, more so the last 48 hours of suffering extreme photophobia (thanks to my friend retinal dystrophy) – yeah so not exactly from a happy place.

I feel like giving up.

Giving up on trying to help my youngest who has quite severe ADHD. The more I help and give and accommodate, the more he doesn’t realise what I’m trying to help him achieve and the more he simply continues with things the way he is used to which in turn leaves me feeling utterly frustrated, hopeless and unsupported because I feel like I’m the only one fighting the good fight.
Giving up on my job, which despite me actually enjoying, the people I work with really are making my time there unbearable. I have two children (and a husband) at home who all require constant supervision and refereeing, I stupidly thought being in a professional environment with a bunch of adults would typically result in a mature, civilised working environment – boy was I wrong. The bickering here is worse than my two kids at home and the amount of stress this is resulting in is far more than I’m realistically willing to put up with. The only reason I stick around is well because we need the money and also because work is only 15 minutes from home, which is convenient.


Giving up on my marriage – despite being absolutely and completely in adoration and hopeless love with this man who is my soul mate, being married is just so damn hard – it’s not him per se that I feel like giving up on, it’s the concept of marriage really that has me exhausted – it’s just so damn one sided and I’m exhausted from the effort.  Men are easy to figure out – you know what they like and what buttons to push and they work. Women – not so much. What is annoying me however is that men seem less interested in finding out what works for women, what buttons need to be pushed to make us just go – OR, perhaps I am just married to a ‘lazy marriage man’ which then means I am thinking of giving up on ‘him’ and this leaves me feeling utterly devastated and heartsore which brings this full cycle to my love for this man far outweighing the effort of trying to get over him which means I’ll probably spend the next 50 years of my life just living with and accepting the mediocrity of our marriage and life knowing that it could be better but I’ve chosen to settle for it as  is.

And finally, giving up on myself.
I’m tired – all the time. Not just physically, but mostly emotionally and mentally and having this long list of letter combinations that I’m not even sure what to do about, following my every thought and action around – well that’s just OTT on the overload of OCD in my life.
My brain – despite numerous attempts to advise it otherwise, seems to think it needs to solve ALL of the world’s problems, yesterday! When ordered thought becomes so chaotic the lines begin to blur, common sense would normally kick in and tell one to STOP – not my brain.
No, my brain seems to ‘think’ it excels the more it takes on, so I would just like to send out a memo, a reminder, a notification to my brain…. “You are NOT superhuman, you can burnout and break and without you I fear I may be reduced to a crumpled mess of me, which quite frankly, wouldn’t be pretty, nor would it be fair on the people in my life.

Problem is, you and I both know my brain has ignored this plea and will continue to wake me at stupid hour to discuss concepts of work-life balance, home schooling, ADHD, challenging work relationships, the gigantic matter of my stress highlights needing to be seen to, why are the cats running around the house at stupid hour, was that a car door I just heard close, why is my husband snoring and more importantly, why is he insisting on sleeping on top of me like a human heater, not to mention thoughts about money, grocery shopping lists, making appointments for my kids for the dentist, making sure I pick up the boys’ meds – I have a list as long as my 164cm frame of things my brain feels it needs to think about and solve at stupid hour.

So when you ask how I’m feeling and I reply with “tired” please just nod in understanding that you are aware that “tired” means so much more than only having 4 hours of sleep at night. Better yet, stop asking me how I am if you’re not REALLY interested in hearing my whole story because I do need someone to talk to but I can’t bring myself to do so because I know that despite saying you’re not, I’m being judged and as much as I value your friendship, I don’t value your condescending ‘suggestions’ on how I could improve my life if I just did things the way YOU think it should be done because this is simply 10 minutes of my life writing down some very simple thoughts which let’s face it, was exhausting just reading.

I’m not saying my life is harder than yours, I’m just saying I have different struggles to you and even though some of our struggles may ‘seem’ the same, my puzzle pieces will never fit together the same way yours do.

So let me just ‘be’.

Let me wade through this emotionally drained existence I’m dealing with – I think I’m entitled to that after all.

I will be fine. I am a fighter and I am strong – at this very moment though, I ‘want’ to not be.