Did you really just say that?!

Since 2008 when my youngest turned 3, I’ve heard some gold nuggets of advice aimed at my now diagnosed ADHD son. Its interesting how every single parent seems to think they are an authority on how my child should be raised and more importantly, disciplined.

Half way through 2012 after enduring 2 dreadful years of pre-school followed by 18 months of hell in primary school, we received his diagnosis and suddenly I had an ‘official’ response to all those know-it-all’s – your opinion may seem valid to you, but to me, the mother of a child with ADHD, your opinion is uneducated and unwanted.

You see, I’d heard it all, from: “that is just a temper tantrum, don’t entertain that, smack him” to “you should get him more active and tire him out.” Well no, he isn’t throwing a tantrum or smacking other kids because he is naughty, he just doesn’t know how to communicate the words from thought to speech and this child has never been a good sleeper and dealing with an exhausted over-tired child is much worse than one who is happily awake.

When he started kindergarten, the comments continued: “he is just a naughty troublemaker,” “I would never let my child do that” to “don’t worry he will outgrow it.” Well, for starters, he is simply trying to get attention because he cannot communicate like any other child in the class, I have a different view to parenting my ADHD child to how you would parent your non-ADHD child and I would never dream of criticising your parenting, why do you criticise mine? And for the record, I’m an adult with ADHD, he is born of my genes, so chances are, he won’t outgrow this.

The school even went so far as to suggest I attend several parenting classes. Every couple of weeks a crumpled note would surface out of his school bag advertising a “Triple P” course or a “parenting ‘spirited kids” course – none of which seemed relevant to me.

I’m not sure if his diagnosis made things better so much as suddenly everyone seems to have an excuse or explanation for his behaviour and instead of getting the help he needed, he was pushed to the back of the class and ignored – they knew there was ‘something wrong’ and this seems to provide a good enough excuse for anything. It didn’t however stop the phone calls and meetings I was required to endure where my parenting skills and how I was managing his behaviour were constantly questioned and scrutinised.

Then we got to 2013 – year 2 – and we hit the lottery – THE most amazing teacher ever to walk this earth fell into our laps. This woman was softly spoken and caring and my youngest son blossomed – under the guidance of a positive, happy person who focused on achievement rather than negatives completely changed my son’s life. Suddenly he was excited about school and accepted praise and rewards for his achievements. In 2014 we hit the lottery for the 2^nd year in a row when this amazing teacher purposefully changed to teach year 3 so that she could have my son in her class again. I’m not religious in any way, shape or form, but this lady was heaven sent.

Unfortunately our streak of luck ended when he entered year 4 – a rookie teacher who had only been teaching for about 2 years, no children of her own and absolutely no experience with ADHD whatsoever. A gen-y with absolutely no patience whatsoever. Within 1 month, everything my son had achieved in the 2 years preceding, was destroyed. He became introverted and lost all self-esteem. Our first major incident occurred when my son’s involuntary movement annoyed her enough to scream her head off at him in class then make him sit on the floor by the door like a dog. I lost the plot and suddenly the Department of Education decided it was time to get involved when I threatened to expose the so-called support my son was supposed to be receiving at a top Sydney primary school known for it’s education achievements and self-promotion of helping ALL children, no matter what.

For a while it got better but then nearing the end of the year, this same teacher pushed my son just a little too far and suddenly we found ourselves talking him down the balcony of a second story school building.

NONE of this was done by a naughty, attention seeking, undisciplined, too much technology watching, lazy and unmotivated and stupid little boy. In fact, he is quite intelligent but lacks the ability and focus to work as required, he struggles to communicate and technology has its place in our home, but it is well controlled and limited. People are quite to forget this is a CHILD you are referring to in this negative manner. So before you judge my son and my parenting, perhaps stop and consider that there is so much more going on that you are not aware of.

That naughty little sh*t you sneered at yesterday, is my beautiful boy who is so loveable and in touch with his emotions but can only accept physical love and affection when HE needs it due to his sensory processing disorder. He can’t go to sleep at night until he has sat on my lap like a koala and run through his little night time routine of eskimo kisses, angel kisses and attempts to rub his freckles off his cheeks onto mine.

That undisciplined, stupid child you made fun of with other parents at afternoon pick up is my highly intelligent son whose IQ is way above kids his age. He has the ability to hyper focus on things he finds interesting and can speak your ear off about stuff you would only read in an encyclopedia.

The loud, seemingly bossy child on the playground is my son who doesn’t understand social queues and etiquette. All he wants is to be chosen, to be included with everyone else. He is trying to be heard in the only way that he knows how. Rest assured, we are working on this and the fact that he is even on the playground playing with other kids shows how far he has come from shutting himself up in a quiet corner reading a book during play time.

Please stop dismissing ADHD as an excuse. It is a real, proven to exist condition but it does not define people. ADHD people are quite responsible and can function just like everyone else. ADHD is not a product of poor parenting or a broken home. I’m probably as versed on the subject of ADHD as many paediatricians and psychologists, in fact, as an adult with ADHD I hold a degree and several diplomas – we are capable of learning. My husband is very supportive and is actively involved in how ADHD is managed in our home.

How many of these comments have you said about some random child that you do not know? I feel sorry for you if you continue to do so after reading this – it must be a very sad existence spending your one chance on this planet judging others instead of finding ways to accept all.